Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
