I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
