I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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