I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
