Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
