mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
