Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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