The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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