Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
