Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize