"it" just moved
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
