Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
