The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
