Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
