Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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