Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
