His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
