Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
