we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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