i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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