I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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