I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
