Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
