4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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