i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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