I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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