We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
