I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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