Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
