His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
