my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
