Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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