Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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