Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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