When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
