So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
