Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
