I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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