the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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