i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
