My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
