How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
