Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
