How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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