ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
