She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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