I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
