hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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