i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
