Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
