I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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