What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
