I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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