I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize