Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
