So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Randomize
