Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
