White coat. Heels.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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