***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
