I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
